


Signed: From A Very Scared Lazy Ninja Suitor

by NarutoRox



Category: Naruto
Genre: A little bit of mystery, Choji is a good bro, Diary/Journal, F/M, Gaara is an overprotective brother, Gen, Humor, Kiba is a good bro, Mistaken Identity, Multi, Naruto is a good Bro, Neji is...trying to be a good bro, Not very secret Diary/journal, Poor Shikamaru, Romantic Comedy, Secret Admirer, Shikamaru humor whump, Shikamaru is bad at relationships, Shikamaru's friends are nutjobs, Team Shikamaru, Well sort of romantic, but mostly comedy, drabble collection that ended up having a plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 01:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 17,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2211372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarutoRox/pseuds/NarutoRox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shikamaru's journal after certain events pertaining to his relationship with a certain blonde Suna kunoichi...and her over-protective brothers. With nosy friends trying to 'help' and the universe seemingly against him, what's a lazy suitor to do? 'Troublesome' doesn't even BEGIN to cover it...</p><p>(Dedicated to The Kazekage of Suna, and originally written for their 'Signed: From' challenge over on FFN)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Very Frightened Suitor

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Signed: From Your Not So Loyal Author](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/72330) by The Kazekage of Suna. 



> This was originally written and published in late 2012 as a one-shot for The Kazekage of Suna's 'Signed: From' challenge over on FFN (fanfiction-dot-net), and then continued to 26 chapters with her permission and blessing.
> 
> Dedicated to The Kazekage of Suna, and their fic 'Signed: From Your Not So Loyal Author' over on FFN. Please go read it, it's hilarious, and I highly recommend it! :)
> 
> And before anyone says anything: I know Shikamaru is a little OOC in this. Let's face it, the guy's probably too lazy to even attempt to keep a journal, but hey. This is fanfiction, and my goal was humor. Some of the other characters are probably a little OOC, too, but not anymore than they are during anime fillers/omake/specials.

Dear Journal:

Gaara scares the holy crap out of me.

It makes me wonder if Temari is worth dating at all.

It's all just so troublesome.

I don't dare tell him we've been dating for almost three years now.

I've begged Temari to simply stop TELLING him we're going out, but no.

One must be honest to one's little brother, apparently.

Does she KNOW of the unspeakable things he's threatened to do to me? Does she care if I live at all?

A very frightened lazy ninja,

Shikamaru

P.S. I am no longer speaking to Naruto, I don't care how close he is to Gaara, that is no excuse for throwing me under the bus.

* * *

I am now getting horribly graphic pictures sent to me of what I would look like after I was crushed by sand and then thrown into Kankuro's puppet.

Who knew Kankuro was so artistic?

* * *

No one is any help. At all.

So I go to my best friend, Choji, in my time of need. (Which was mistake number one, I like the guy, but he isn't the sharpest kunai in the pouch, let me tell you.)

Do you know what he says?

'Wait, _three years?!_ Why am I just finding out about this?!'

Because you are an idiot that can't keep your mouth shut, that's why. Since, right after I told you, this happened:

 _He told Gaara._ That I had been dating his sister for _three years._ _What is WRONG with you, Choji?!_

So. Now I am fearing for my life, praying for the powers that be to intervene and allow me to live.

Or that Temari gets my distress call, and kicks her little brothers' asses before they start doing all that unspeakable stuff they told me about.

Oh, _GOD._ There is sand crawling up my hand.

For anyone who finds this (and hopefully my body), I want my mother to know I love her, and that I regret nothing.

(Except maybe befriending and confiding in Choji)

A very frightened (and probably decomposing corpse by the time anyone finds this) ninja,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Don't be so dramatic, Shika! Naruto found you before any REAL harm could be had!_

_And what do you MEAN, I'm not the sharpest kunai in the pack?! That's cruel, you're supposed to be my best friend!_

_I was just trying to help, after all. I figured if I told him you guys had been an item for a while, now, he would back down._

_Sorry, I guess I was wrong._

_But don't worry, Temari visits you everyday in the hospital, and with all the guards, there's NO WAY they can come back and finish the job._

_Plus they said you were showing some brain activity yesterday, isn't that great? And chicks dig scars, right?_

_Well, I'm going to leave this here for you in case you wake up while I'm gone. That way you'll know what happened. If you can still read._

_Aww, someone sent you this decorative cactus! I wonder who could have done that? It even has this sand all in the pot. Oh, I bet it was Temari! I'll leave it by your bedside._

_Be back in an hour!_

_Your best friend,_

_Choji_


	2. Troublesome

Dear Journal:

It's been 2 weeks, and I now have enough motor skills to actually write.

Ino has ordered me to continue keeping a journal, in order to improve said motor skills. She's getting annoyed with feeding me now, I think.

With Ino's help, I'm now friends with Choji again, who (tearfully) assured me he had no idea what Gaara had planned. I don't blame him...I'm the 'smart' one, as Ino said, I should have seen it coming.

I blame Temari's homicidal brothers.

Speaking of Temari, she visited me once I was able to speak. She assured me she had Gaara and Kankuro under control (I don't believe her, but I have ANBU bodyguards, so I humored her), and that I was not to worry.

I didn't bother to remind her that's what she said last time.

She's still going to keep her distance, at least for now.

If I had known having a girlfriend like her was going to be this troublesome...

Your very lazy author,

Shikamaru


	3. A Very Confusing Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a lot of 'WTF?' reviews concerning this chapter when I posted it on FFN originally (in fact, I still get them), so I'm just going o try to explain myself the best I can here. 
> 
> Before anyone one reads this chapter, I want to say that it is in no way really relevant to the main story, it's mostly just a filler. It was a little in-joke between another writer and myself, after a miniature role-play we ended up doing in response to one of their reviews on the first chapter. Mostly it's complete nonsense, so if you want to skip it feel free - you honestly aren't missing anything. I'll try to explain it better at the end of the chapter notes.

Dear Journal:

I remember a strange dream I had while I was slightly comatose and drugged to the gills a few weeks ago.

It was so strange...one of my guards tossed the other guard, Gai, out the window after pepper-spraying him (which I was thankful for at the time, since he was being so noisy).

Then, a new guard showed up...and started throwing things out the window. I think it was...popcorn...?

They both were spying on people from my window, and throwing water-balloons and...it's all so confusing.

I wish I could remember their faces.

I told Ino about this, and she said I was probably hallucinating.

Though I heard her telling Choji they never found that ANBU from what they called 'The Gai incident'.

I don't know...

Your confused lazy author,

Shikamaru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As far as what this all means...well. Shikamaru was basically stoned to the gills with pain medication, and had an odd dream. There was an ANBU that had been posted to keep an eye on him, but unfortunately that particular ninja defected from Konoha, after getting in a tiff with Gai. Shikamaru's over-medicated mind supplied the rest of the very strange details. Like I said before, this doesn't affect the main story, so it really isn't important. Just think of it as random journal babble, okay? ;)


	4. Cheap Friends & Wise Fathers

Dear Journal:

I'm _finally_ out of the hospital, thank God.

The others all decided to throw me a little party to celebrate.

Of course, even though the party was for me, I ended up getting stuck with the bill.

Somehow, I'm not surprised.

But anyway, Temari was there, which was cool.

She said, surprisingly, that Gaara had sent her. She's supposed to be here for a few weeks on an extended mission.

I was a little suspicious, and she got all huffy when I asked her what the mission was, so I dropped it.

And then I told her about the wierd dream I had in the hospital. She got a very odd look on her face when I said something about the popcorn.

After some prodding on my part, she finally told me that their where two wanted fugitives that fit my description. She didn't elaborate more than that.

* * *

I asked Ino if I still had to write in the journal since my motor skills picked back up, since keeping the thing is so troublesome...she said yes, that it was good for me. I don't really agree, but whatever.

My father seems to think it's a good idea. He says I might want to look back at my thoughts a few years from now.

I think it's a good way to let enemy shinobi find out about our secrets, but hey. He's old and wise, I guess.

Your uncertain lazy author,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Dear Smart-ass Son:_

_Only if you're stupid enough to put mission details in here or bring it on a mission into enemy territory._

_Just don't write anything you wouldn't want an enemy (or your mother) to read. And don't leave this where an enemy (or your mother) can find it._

_Your 'old' and very wise father_

* * *

Dear Father,

Apparently, I also shouldn't write anything I don't want you to read and shouldn't leave this where you can find it, either. Thanks for the heads-up.

Your lazy son,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Dear lazy son:_

_Don't mention it._

_Your equally smartass father_


	5. The Need For A Lock

Dear Journal:

It's been awhile...sorry, it just seemed too troublesome to write what's been going on lately.

But right now, I'm having an odd dilemma, and I thought maybe writing it down will help me think about it.

The other day, when I went to see Temari at the place she's staying while she's here on the mission, there was a bouquet of flowers on her doorstep.

I picked them up, but couldn't find a card on them...she opened the door and saw me standing there with the flowers, and thought _I_ had gotten them for her.

Not that I'm complaining, she was very pleased with me at that point, and kept going on about what a 'nice and _completely out of character_ ' gesture it was.

I'm not even insulted by her implication that I'm never nice. Feeling a little guilty, though.

Uh, but anyway, now I'm wondering who sent the flowers, 'cause I know it wasn't me.

I feel like I should thank him, somehow.

Your slightly guilty author,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Shikamaru, you shouldn't be thanking the guy! Whoever he is, he's trying to take your girl!_

_You need to find out who it is, so you can set him straight! I'll even help!_

_Your awesome friend,_

_Kiba_

* * *

Kiba, how did you find this?

Why did you write in it?

And what do you mean, 'set him straight'?

Trying to remember why I'm friends with you,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Choji showed it to me, he was worried about you and didn't know what to do._

_Because that's what you do with a journal, duh._

_And I mean beat him up for trying to take your woman, of course._

_Kiba_

* * *

Note to self: Put lock on journal and stop writing in it where Choji can see me.

I still don't get what Kiba means, why would I need to beat anyone up over this?

Temari and I have been going out for 3 years, I'm not worried.

Okay, I'm a little worried about her brothers, but that's it.

And how the hell did Kiba get to read my journal again...?

Your bewildered author,

Shikamaru

* * *

**We were all passing it around at lunch when you got up to go to the bathroom.**

**-Shino**

* * *

I doubt a lock would help, we're all ninja and highly skilled at picking them!

~Tenten~

* * *

_You won't talk to me anymore, and I just wanted to help, Shikamaru!_

_Your best friend,_

_Choji _

* * *

_Dude, you should be worried! Look how she went on and on about how nice it was for you to bring flowers, and how out of character of you it was...if she was that impressed, she'll probably drop you for this new guy in a heart beat!_

_Kiba_

* * *

Do they all have nothing better to do than read my private thoughts?

And it was just some flowers, I mean, sure, she said she liked them and she mentioned them a few times even after that, but really, I'm sure I have nothing to worry about.

I mean, really, what does Kiba know?

Your now slightly worried author,

Shikamaru


	6. Forget the Lock, Need New Friends

Dear Journal:

Temari brought up the flowers again.

Okay, I admit...it's driving me a little crazy.

Oh, and I found a lock to put on my journal.

I think it's working.

Your annoyed author,

Shikamaru

* * *

**The lock didn't work. We are skilled ninja, after all.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

**_If you're so worried about the flowers, ask Ino. I'm sure she'd know, especially if whoever it was bought flowers from her shop._ **

**_\- A very exasperated Neji_ **

* * *

Even Neji is in on it now, wonderful.

What is wrong with them, that they can't leave this alone?

They're worse than my father.

But I think I _will_ go talk to Ino...

Your lazy author,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Dear Lazy son:_

_I doubt that._

_Your very clever Father_

* * *

**_I only replied because Tenten and Lee wouldn't leave me alone about it._ **

**_And you were starting to sulk. It was annoying._ **

**_\- A still exasperated Neji_ **

* * *

_We're 100% behind you, Shikamaru! We've all got your back!_

_Your best friend,_

_Choji_

* * *

My journal has had other people write in it more than me.

I don't sulk.

And quit writing in my journal!

Your pissed off friend,

Shikamaru

* * *

**_Then don't leave it for us to get to. And yes, you do._ **

**_\- Neji, still exasperated_ **

* * *

Okie dokie!

~Tenten~

* * *

**Won't happen again.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

_Only if you promise to talk to me when you have a problem!_

_Your best friend,_

_Choji_

* * *

_Got it! And I'm with Choji, we've got your back, man!_

_Your back-up,_

_Kiba _

* * *

_Sorry, no promises, son._

_Your Father_

* * *

I need new friends.

And to move out of my house.

Your defeated author,

Shikamaru


	7. Gossip and a Headache

Dear Journal:

Okay, so I caved and went to see Ino.

Of course the entire peanut gallery decided to tag along.

That is, Choji, Kiba, Tenten, and Lee all decided to come with me so they could 'have my back'.

Shino stayed 20 feet back from us with his hands in his pockets.

Neji was a little more stealthy about it, but he was there, too.

My troublesome friends aside, when I got there I asked Ino if anyone odd had come in to buy a bouquet.

She knew exactly what I was talking about.

Why, you ask?

Because Hinata had told her.

How did Hinata know?

Because one of the irritating people that came with me told her. Probably Kiba or Shino. Though I'm starting to wonder if maybe it was Neji.

Anyway, she told me (okay, us) that she didn't know who bought those flowers, but she'd keep an eye out for me.

Then she winked at me. How kind of her.

That girl is such a gossip, now everyone is going to know.

Just like how we all now know that Iruka came in all flustered yesterday to buy lilies, two other people I don't really know nor care about are buying flowers for some chunin I don't know, and how Naruto bought tulips for some reason he refused to disclose to Ino (I don't blame him).

I gave up and left while she was telling the others about her recent suspicions that Gai has a lady friend.

I'm going to go see Kurenai, maybe she'll have some better advice.

Who the hell would want to go out with Gai, anyway?

Your non-gossiping author,

Shikamaru

* * *

**I already asked Kurenai-sensei, and she didn't have much to say in advice, sorry.**

**And Hinata didn't hear it from me.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

_**You wouldn't happen to have heard who Gai-sensei's new...aquantance was, did you? Not that I care, I'm just surprised he hasn't been shouting it at us during our team's missions, that's all.** _

_**And I did not tell Lady Hinata, nor was I following you. I just happened to be in the neighborhood.** _

_**\- Neji, still exasperated** _

* * *

I have to be more careful when and where I write in here.

Otherwise, I might misplace it outside of the Yamanaka Flower Shop, where random Aburame's and Hyuuga's can find it and write in it.

The least Neji could have done was handed it to me, instead of throwing it at me from down the street.

He should know my reflexes still aren't on par after Gaara's assassination attempt.

It left a huge bump on my head.

Your abused author,

Shikamaru

* * *

**_Sorry, I forgot._ **

**_And you were looking right at me!_ **

**_\- an apologetic Neji_ **

* * *

That last message came to me in the form of a paper airplane.

Was he seriously using his Byakugan to read my journal?

Your bewildered author,

Shikamaru


	8. The Jerk Admirer

Dear Journal:

Well, my head feels a little better, after I sat down and watched the clouds for a little while.

I had decided to give up on the stupid elusive flower-giver.

I mean, why should I worry? Temari and I have a nice relationship, why should I worry about some random secret admirer?

So, I had decided to just let it go, and watch the clouds.

The others tracked me down, after about an hour.

They were quite flabbergasted as to why I was lying down when someone was, in Kiba's own words, 'Putting the moves on my woman'.

I again pointed out that I wasn't worried (even though it _is_ kind of bugging me), and that Temari and I were fine.

Ino then said that, although that may be true, Temari _was_ going to be ticked at me when she found out that I didn't get her those flowers...and that I still took credit for it.

Long story short, I now have some flowers from Ino, and am going to go see Temari.

I've got to lose the others first, though.

Your stealthy author,

Shikamaru

* * *

Okay, I take back what I said before about not caring about the admirer.

The prick was one step ahead of me.

When I got there, flowers in hand, Temari was pleased but surprised to see them.

Especially as I had already left a bunch of tulips (which are her favorite flower, apparently) on her doorstep.

Since I looked so dumbfounded, I think she assumed I still had brain-damage and forgot I got the tulips as well.

She went on and on about how nice I was being lately, what with all the things I'd been sending her.

Yes. _There are other things._

Apparently, I've been sending them to her since she got here.

I finally got my bearings and played along, then made some excuse to leave so I could think about this.

Now I'm with Kiba on this. I should be worried. Very, very worried.

I mean, how did he know what her favorite flowers were, anyway?! _I_ didn't know that, and I've been dating her for three years!

When would it have been brought up?! I never got her flowers before-God, I'm a terrible boyfriend- so how would I know she likes freaking _tulips_ , of all things-

!

Tulips. _Tulips._

I happen to know somebody who recently bought tulips.

What. The. _Hell_.

Your angry author,

Shikamaru


	9. How Could You?

Dear Journal:

Okay, mystery solved.

I found Naruto at Ichiraku Ramen.

I was, um, less than civil to him.

Though at least I didn't pick up his bowl of ramen and dump it into his lap, like Kiba did. I take back what I said about him, he's a real friend.

Uh, anyway, back to Naruto. Maybe it's best if I start from the beginning:

I walked right up and demanded how he knew Temari's favorite flowers were tulips.

He looked puzzled. "Huh?"

"How. Do. You. Know. What. Temari's favorite flowers are?" I demanded again, slowly.

I must have looked pretty pissed, because Sakura, who had been eating with Naruto, looked a little worried.

Naruto still seemed a little clueless. "Gaara told me...uh, why do you ask?"

"And just why the hell were you giving Temari flowers?!" I demanded.

Naruto just crinkled his brow. "Huh? Hey, how did you know about that?"

I was about to lose it then, but as it turns out I didn't need to, as almost everyone else who had followed me to Ichiraku did instead.

"Naruto!"

"That was you?!"

"How could you!"

"I thought you were Shikamaru's friend!"

"What an ass!" (This sounded like Shino's voice, believe it or not)

Now during these shouts of indignation on my behalf, Naruto was slapped by Tenten and Ino, glared at by Neji and Shino, scolded by Lee, and furiously pointed at by Choji, not in that order.

At some point, Kiba passionately threw Naruto's ramen bowl into his lap.

Sakura, who suddenly seemed to know what we were talking about, gave a her usual shout of fury and smacked Naruto over the head with _her_ ramen bowl.

Naruto, who'd seemed completely disoriented the entire time this had been going on, finally yelled "What is wrong with you guys?! What did I do?!"

"What do you mean, what did you do?! You've been trying to steal your friend's girlfriend behind his back!" yelled Kiba, looking ready to take a swing.

Naruto looked even more confused, which was starting to confuse me. "What? What are you talking about?!" he yelped, ducking another blow from Sakura, noodles and fish cakes in his hair.

"D-didn't you leave some flowers for Temari, N-naruto?" Hinata (who had apparently also been there, though I hadn't noticed her until then) asked.

"Well, yeah! Yesterday, but what does that have to do with all of you acting like crazy people?!" he demanded.

Now at that point, what with everyone else getting so angry for me, I was able to actually calm down and think.

Naruto was a good friend. I'd known the guy for years, and this was really out of character for him.

Plus even he wasn't so stupid as to not realize why we were mad at him...unless he really didn't have a clue.

Which was when it all started to click.

I held a hand up to hold Choji off, which caught some of the others attention.

"Crazy people? You're the underhanded one, trying to woe Temari with flowers!" Ino fumed.

Naruto's eyes widened as he pulled a handful of noodles off of his head. "Wait, _that's_ what you're all talking about?! Gaara _told_ me to get those flowers for her! I was just doing him a favor! You think I'm trying to steal Temari from Shikamaru?" He looked hurt, then. "What kind of friend do you think I am, dattabayo?!"

"A stupid one," I said, rubbing my forehead.

And that's how I found out Gaara was trying to set Temari and Naruto up.

Yep, that's right.

'Extended mission' my ass.

Your cranky author,

Shikamaru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the readers that have been leaving kudos, I appreciate it! ^_^


	10. He's baaaack

Dear Journal:

Things just keep getting better and better.

It really does seem like the universe is against my relationship with Temari.

Let me start from the beginning again, while we were still at the ramen bar.

Though I did apologize to Naruto for falsely accusing him, I also had to chastise him for his stupidity.

"Didn't you think it was a little odd that Gaara kept asking you to get things for Temari?" I asked.

"Why would I?" he grumbled "He asked me to get flowers for his sister! People do that all the time, don't they?"

"No!" Most of the others shouted.

Naruto jumped a little, then bristled. "Yeah, well, obviously they do, otherwise he wouldn't have asked me! I figured he was just trying to be nice, after, you know," he pointed at me and made a slashing motion across his neck, which I assumed ment he was talking about my attempted murder.

I sighed.

"Naruto, he got you to get those things in an obvious attempt to get Temari to dump me herself." I hissed through gritted teeth.

I didn't mention my theory that Gaara might also like the idea of Naruto being with his sister more than me.

Naruto scowled. "Nah, Gaara wouldn't..." he trailed off when he saw the look on my face. "Uh, anyway, it was just some tulips and some candy, how would that make Temari dump you?"

Which was how things got worse.

"It wasn't just the tulips and the candy! There was other stuff, too. You got her more flowers." I said, a sinking feeling in my gut.

"No, there wasn't." Naruto protested. "All I got her was those stupid tulips, and some of that candy the shop by the front gates sells. You know, the kind you can only get there? That's all Gaara asked me to get, _I_ didn't get her anything else."

Isn't it amazing how one statement like that can just ruin your whole day all over again?

So the stupid flower-giving admirer is still at large.

Why didn't someone tell me having a girlfriend would be so much trouble?

Your again worried author,

Shikamaru


	11. The Terrible Plan

Dear Journal:

So, after the little revelation that there was indeed another secret admirer, the others of course decided to announce that they were all behind me, and were going to help me find the guy before, in Kiba's own words, Temari 'Wizened up and dumped me for him'.

They all proceeded to (loudly) make 'plans of attack', while I sat down on a stool beside Naruto, who was still pulling ramen out of his hair and clothes.

I still felt a little guilty for accusing him, and offered to buy him a new bowl.

He looked at me all wide-eyed, before very seriously telling me that he should be buying me a bowl, because I really needed it.

Which made me feel worse. My situation must be really bad if Naruto was offering to buy me comfort ramen.

Dammit.

Anyway, Ino suggested I spy on Temari's place and see who drops the stuff off.

I told her that it was wrong of me to spy on my girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to do it.

I didn't, however, tell anyone that it was not _technically_ spying on my girlfriend if my friends were doing it instead of me and I didn't know about it.

Because if would be wrong of me to ask them to spy for me.

But it isn't wrong of me to 'accidentally' leave my journal here on the bar where one of them can pick it up and read it.

And hopefully get the hint.

Your sneaky author,

Shikamaru

* * *

**Sly.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

_Oh, we getcha buddy! Don't worry, I'm on the case!_

_Your awesome friend,_

_Kiba_

* * *

**_I shall enlist Lady Hinata as well. Nobody will be able to get past our eyes._ **

**_\- a determined Neji_ **

* * *

Don't worry, that chump won't get past us!

~Tenten~

* * *

** Yosh! We'll use the power of our youth to help you, my friend! **

** Youthfully yours,  **

** Lee **

* * *

_We understand, Shika! Don't worry!_

_Your friend,_

_Choji_

* * *

_ Don't worry Shikamaru, I won't let anyone screw this up. You can count on me to be subtle, at least. Plus Sakura says she'll help as well. _

_ ~ Ino _

* * *

_Dear Supposedly Clever Son,_

_Ino dropped this off just now, and after reading your friends' comments, I've got to wonder if you really thought this through._

_I'm guessing not._

_Your amused father_

* * *

Dear Journal:

Oh, God.

What have I done?

Your horrified author,

Shikamaru


	12. A Grudge

Dear Journal:

After I got up and left my journal on the ramen bar for the others to read (An act I'm sorely regretting), I went for a walk around town to give them some time.

Anyway, Naruto tagged along, jabbering all the while and still apologizing every now and then.

I told him to forget it, and that I shouldn't have accused him like that, and that it wasn't his fault that Gaara had decided to take advantage of his stupidity.

He nodded and looked relieved until he picked up on the stupidity remark. Then he punched me in the arm.

So we're cool now.

But then things got interesting.

He was still a little ticked, and said he was going to clock Kankuro something good tomorrow when he came to the village.

So Kankuro's coming tomorrow.

Interesting.

I feel a little snubbed that the village or Temari didn't bother to tell me that one of my would-be murderers was coming to town, but that's not the point.

I'm definitely going to be there when Naruto gives him hell tomorrow.

Gaara may scare the holy crap out of me, but Kankuro?

Kankuro I can handle. So long as his scary brother or Temari isn't with him.

And I have something I wanna bring up with him.

Your grudge-holding author,

Shikamaru


	13. Wager

Dear Journal:

The word from the 'spies' is Mr. Admirer had yet to rear his ugly (or according to Kiba 'Likely better looking than mine') head.

They have all assured me they are using the utmost discretion, and that nothing will get by them.

I've gotta wonder, though, because they also told me that Sai, Shiho, Kakashi, Genma, Kotetsu AND Izumo all stopped and asked them what they were doing.

So now Sai, Shiho, Kakashi, Genma, Kotetsu, and Izumo all know what they were doing. Of course.

As well as Teuchi, Ayame, Nishi, and Matsu from Ichiraku Ramen, since they overheard them loudly planning the whole thing there yesterday after I left.

Dad was right, I really didn't think that through.

But anyway, I'm off to go see Naruto, and, by extension, Kankuro.

Your exasperated author,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Dear son,_

_They also told Chozu and Hiashi._

_I know this because they told me this morning at the Hokage's office (Lady Fifth now knows as well)._

_Everyone's now taking bets on whether or not you'll make it._

_Don't worry, I think the odds are in your favor._

_Lady Tsunade bet 200 ryo you'd screw it up._

_Your gambling father_

* * *

Dear Journal:

I've given up trying to hide this from Dad, we think too much alike anyway.

Lady Tsunade betting against me actually does make me feel better.

But anyway, about Kankuro...

When he got here, he went to see the Hokage first thing, so Naruto and I intercepted him when he was done.

Unfortunately, Temari was there as well, so we didn't mention anything.

We did all walk back to the place Temari's staying, though; Kankuro giving me these smug looks all the while and completely oblivious to the angry glares he was getting from Naruto.

I'm going to have to have a talk with Shino, though. He may have been inconspicuous in that alley across the street from Temari, but with his demeanor and the way he was dressed he looked like he was either a drug dealer or a pimp.

Your wary author,

Shikamaru


	14. Deception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Departure from the usual style again, but from here on out most of the entries will probably be like this, if they're important plot-wise.

Dear Journal:

So we finally managed to get Kankuro alone.

I had a few questions I wanted to ask him, but Naruto beat me to the punch.

The meeting went something like this:

Kankuro finally picked up Naruto's (fairly obvious) anger towards him.

"Er, hey, what's wrong with you?" he asked.

Naruto pointed at him angrily. "You used me to try to make Temari break up with Shikamaru!" he fumed. "I even got ramen thrown at me!"

Kankuro stared blankly at him. "Wait, how did you figure that out on your own? And what does that have to do with ramen?"

Naruto started waving his arms around. "SO YOU ADMIT IT!" he yelled. "I can't believe you'd do something so underhanded! My friends thought I was some kind of schmuch!" -I briefly remembered one of the girls throwing that word at him at Ichiraku- "I thought you and Gaara were my friends, how could you? Wait, what do you mean 'how did I figure that out on my own', huh?!"

Kankuro winced a little at Naruto's words, then turned to me. "You told him, didn't you?"

"Yes." I sighed. "But really, why the hell would you and your brother think Naruto and Temari would make a good match?"

"Yeah!" cried Naruto. "If you don't like the thought of Shikamaru with her, why would you-Wait, you guys were trying to pair us up?" he asked, looking a little stunned.

Kankuro looked a little guilty, which didn't sit well with me. "Um, yeah." he told Naruto.

Naruto glanced at me. "Did you know this?" he asked.

I sighed and nodded. "I had my suspicions."

He looked between me and Kankuro. " _Ewwww_."

"Whataya mean, 'ewww'?" protested Kankuro. "That's my sister you're talking about!"

" _And_ my girlfriend!" I reminded Naruto sharply.

"Oh, er, sorry. It's just...guys, she's pretty but...no. Nuh-uh, sorry. Why would you and Gaara think _I_ would go out with her? Especially as she was with Shikamaru already!" Naruto replied, going from sheepish to outraged in a flash.

Again, Kankuro looked a little unsettled.

"Well, it's just...Gaara likes you, so I figured-"

" _You_ figured?" I asked, my arms crossed. Naruto glared at him and mimicked my pose.

"Uhhhh..." Kankuro trailed, looked trapped.

"So this was all _your_ suggestion?" I demanded, keeping my tone even.

"Er, well-"

"It's _your_ fault?" Naruto added dangerously, his eyes narrowed.

"Uh, um," Kankuro stuttered, glancing between us nervously, clearly realizing his chances of escape had dwindled.

"Or wait, did Gaara even know about this to begin with?" I speculated out loud.

"W-well..." Kankuro mumbled. I hit the nail on the head.

"He didn't, did he?! I knew he wouldn't do that to me!" cried Naruto.

"So you were the one sending Naruto those messages, as Gaara." I sighed. Kankuro nodded meekly.

"Oh, he's going to be SO PISSED when he finds out you were impersonating him-!" Naruto snickered gleefully.

"And that's nothing compared to what Temari's going to do when we tell her." I pointed out.

Kankuro groaned. "No, you can't tell them!" he protested.

Naruto and I looked at each other. "And just why not?" I asked, eyebrows raised.

"You don't understand, I'm at the bottom of the food chain! If I've got one or the other on my side that's one thing, I can't have them both pissed at me!" he half-wailed.

Knowing what Temari and the Kazekage are capable of firsthand, I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"Well...I suppose maybe we won't tell them..." I said slowly. "Under a few conditions, of course."

I didn't think telling Gaara and Temari about this wouldn't be beneficial to me at all. For one thing, I didn't want to give Gaara any ideas. True, he might initially be angry at Kankuro for corrupting his messages to Naruto, but likely he would care more that Kankuro came up with a decent plan to break me and Temari up. Second of all, telling Temari would mean admitting I had lied about the flowers to begin with, and risked her finding out about the _other_ admirer.

In all honesty, tattling on Kankuro would probably make things _worse_ for me.

But Kankuro didn't know that.

"What conditions?" Kankuro asked warily. Naruto raised his eyebrows and gave me a curious look.

"You back off." I said firmly, glaring at him. "Stop trying to sabotage me and Temari, and quit trying to intimidate me."

Kankuro scowled.

"I mean it." I warned. Beside me, Naruto nodded and raised his fist.

"Yeah, do it or we tell. Plus I kick your ass. Nine-tails style." he added.

Kankuro was silent for a minute, glaring at us (okay, me). Finally he nodded.

"Fine." he snapped stiffly.

I didn't have to see my reflection to know I looked smug.

So that's one problem down.

Things are finally going my way!

Your victorious author,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Dear son,_

_Maybe this is a bad time to tell you, then..._

_Your friends just dropped by. They said the admirer left something else for your girlfriend._

_You're making me regret my wager._

_The bearer of bad news,_

_Your father_

* * *

Dear Journal:

Crap.


	15. An Emergency Meeting

Dear Journal:

So after the newest item, a stuffed _weasel_ of all things, was left on Temari's doorstep, an emergency meeting of 'Team Shikamaru' (Yes, Kiba named them) was called to Team Gai's usual training spot.

I noticed there were a few new recruits (Konohamaru and his friends) there, but was honestly too aggravated from the current situation to care.

"I thought you guys were supposed to be keeping an eye out for him!" I accused.

Choji raised his hand. "I thought you were pretending you didn't know about that." he said. Out of respect to our friendship, I ignored him. Instead I glared at Shino.

"Off duty." he said with a slight shrug.

" _All_ of you?" I demanded.

Everyone shook their heads and simultaneously pointed to Neji, who was standing with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. He looked rather embarrassed, and didn't meet my gaze when he opened his eyes.

"It was on your watch?" I asked incredulously. If this admirer could get past someone like Neji, I really was screwed.

"Yes...well..." He muttered, then coughed lightly. "I was distracted."

" _By_?" I hedged.

"The almighty genius of the Hyuuga clan had to take a leak." Tenten sighed.

Neji glared at her. "Tenten!" he hissed.

I blinked and tried to wrap my head around the thought of someone sneaking by Neji while he answered nature's call, and failed.

"I thought you were supposed to be the high and mighty jounin, Mister 'Nobody will get past my eyes'!" Kiba cried.

"If we had done this in groups of two, like I suggested, nobody would have!" Neji retorted.

"Lee was supposed to be with you!"

"I was getting us lunch!" protested Lee.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. It seemed like I was around an awful lot of energetic people yelling lately. Dear lord, with friends like these who needed enemies.

"Quiet!" I yelled. Yeesh, they were even making _me_ yell. Everyone quieted and stared back at me.

"Yeesh, dude. No need to get grumpy." Kiba said, sounding offended.

"Yeah, we're just trying to help!" Tenten piped up, glaring at me.

I needed aspirin. Lots and lots of aspirin.

"Well _clearly_ this...person...is skilled. He slipped by me when he knew I was preoccupied." Neji said, almost succeeding in keeping his tone normal. Almost, but not quite.

"He must have known we were keeping watch." Shino said.

Obviously. "But you were being so stealthy." I muttered sarcastically. I felt Shino's stare without looking at him.

"I don't know why this guy's being so stealthy." grumbled Kiba. "If he wants to make a pass on Shikamaru's woman, he should come out and face him like a man!"

I gritted my teeth. "I'm not facing anyone over this, I just want to know-"

"Maybe he's a coward?" suggested Choji.

"If he was he wouldn't be pining after the scary Suna lady. She's really tough!" Konohamaru piped up. Several of the guys shuddered and nodded.

I resented my girlfriend's infamy as the 'scary Suna lady'. No matter how realistic the description was. "She's not-"

"Or maybe I've been going about this all wrong, and he actually _isn't_ better looking than Shikamaru." Kiba said, staring at me intently with his chin in his hand. "I know Shikamaru didn't set the bar real high, but maybe this guy's really, _really_ homely."

I'm still not sure if Kiba ment to insult me or not. "What are you impl-"

"M-maybe he's sh-shy." whispered Hinata. Yes, even the quiet one was interrupting me.

"He's probably just afraid of Gaara." said Naruto from beside me.

I turned to face him. "What?"

"Look what happened to you." he said, gesturing at me oddly. "You still haven't been cleared for missions yet, and you haven't been exactly, ah,"

"On your A-game." Ino supplied helpfully. The others nodded quickly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Most of my problems lately weren't really my fault.

"You're cranky." Kiba said.

"You still walk with a little limp-" Sakura started.

"Can't catch a book thrown at you point-blank from 20 paces-" Neji pointed out.

"Still drop your chopsticks sometimes when you're eating-" Choji added.

"And have been making...questionable...judgement calls lately." Shino finished. He glanced around us when he said it.

"Yeah yeah I get the picture." I snapped, rubbing my forehead again.

"And then you keep doing that." Ino said, frowning. "Are you still having headaches?"

"Yes. Can't imagine why." I sighed.

"See? Gaara really did a number on you! If I were this guy I wouldn't let him find out who I was, either." Kiba declared, giving me a whack on the back. "We thought you were a goner, buddy!"

Which was when a lightbulb went off in my head. Heh. So this guy was afraid of Gaara finding out.

How's the old saying go? The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

I got up and dashed off after I recovered from the coughing fit Kiba's smack caused me.

I heard Tenten yelling "Way to go, Kiba, you broke Shikamaru again!" as I left.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a letter to write.

Your 'broken' author,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Dear broken son,_

_They forgot to mention you snore like an asthmatic drunken sailor now, too._

_Seriously, you need to get that checked. I think you stopped breathing last night._

_I actually considered smothering you when you started again._

_Your concerned sleep deprieved father_


	16. The Belly of the Beast

Dear Journal:

It takes about three days to get from Suna to Konoha.

After receiving my letter, the Kazekage got here in two.

I think his official excuse was a 'diplomatic visit' of some sort, I'm not really sure. Once Lady Tsunade got word that he was coming she pretty much told me to keep my head down and stay home, and is keeping me out of the loop.

Temari's instructions were much more...well. She came flying into my house about five minutes after finding out he was coming, telling (okay, yelling at) me to stay inside, lock my doors and windows, stay with witnesses and bodyguards (preferably Naruto or a dozen ANBU), and avoid both of her brothers at all costs. She also said she would keep Gaara in her sights at all times, and would be limiting her contact with me for the duration of his visit.

I didn't find it necessary to inform her that not only did I prompt this visit, but I also arranged a meeting with him.

I had never seen her that flustered, even in battle, which besides making me feel guilty was also making me lose confidence in my plan.

Her reaction, though, was nothing compared to that of my friends.

Especially once I told them my plan.

"Are you INSANE?!"

"You INVITED him?!"

"Oh God, he DOES have brain damage!"

"This is what I ment by _questionable_ judgement calls!"

And so on and so forth. Lots of shouts concerning my sanity, and musings as to whether or not I was suicidal.

I eventually talked them out of tying me up and smuggling me into a 'secure location', but only on the condition that Naruto and either Sakura or Lee stayed with me as bodyguards/backup.

Which was how I ended up sitting across the table from Gaara at Ino's house, with Lee and Naruto on either side of me.

I'd been planning on having Naruto there anyway, simply because his ability to reason with Gaara was even better than Temari's, but the little extra support from Lee did ease my tension a little.

Not a lot, but a little.

I might have felt a little better if the medic with the deadly super-strength were there instead.

Anyway, back to the meeting:

I spoke first. "Er, thank you for coming."

Gaara gave me a cold stare in response. His gaze shifted, however, when Naruto cleared his throat and gave Gaara a look.

He sighed and crossed his arms, and even though his expression didn't get any friendlier, he did speak. "Fine. But let's get straight to why I'm here."

I got the feeling Naruto must have had a _talk_ with Gaara before the meeting.

"Uh, right. It's just like I told you in my letter. Temari's got an...admirer, and we don't know anything about him. Other than who he isn't." I added, glancing quickly at Kankuro, who was seated beside his brother.

I'd gone ahead and clued him in after sending word to Gaara, figuring he might be able to keep tabs on the goings-on around Temari better then 'Team Shikamaru' could.

"Uh, by the way, where is Temari...?" I asked. She'd said she was going to keep an eye on him, after all, so it was a little unsettling he'd managed to sneak by her.

"She thinks I'm currently in a meeting with the Hokage. A few of your friends are distracting her, I'm assuming so we can have this meeting. The Hokage thinks I'm spending time with Temari." Gaara replied.

So much for keeping him in her sights at all times.

"Sakura's supposed to be distracting Granny." Naruto whispered to me. "Otherwise I'm sure she'd be keeping tabs on him, too."

That explained Lee, anyway.

"But that's not important. Why am I here?" asked Gaara. I couldn't read his expression well, but he almost looked exasperated.

"Whattaya mean? I thought he explained it to you?" Naruto questioned, cocking his head to the side. "There's this dude that likes Temari! Doesn't that bother you?"

Gaara nodded patiently at him. "Yes, it bothers me. But that's not what I was talking about." He turned his attention to me. "Why did you tell me about it?" he asked, sounding almost curious.

"Cuz he figured you'd do something about it...?" Naruto suggested slowly. "And he wanted your help?"

Gaara shrugged. "Perhaps," he said, talking as though I had asked the question and not Naruto. "However, you know I don't like you. Temari barely knows this person, if at all. This seems to be inconveniencing you, more than anything else. Why would I help you?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Naruto give me a quick glance.

I'd been expecting this, though, and already had my answer ready.

"Yes, well...I'm assuming it's not me, personally, you dislike, so much as the fact that I'm dating your sister." Gaara twitched a little at that, and I hoped I wasn't going to regret my choice in words. "I'm guessing you'd hate anyone who was in or wanted a relationship with Temari. An equal-opportunity boyfriend hater." Kankuro almost cracked a smile.

"My point is...even if Temari dumped me, and ended up with this new guy, you'd still be in the same boat. Your sister would still be with a guy, and one you would probably hate. And this new guy would be...unknown. But me?" I took a deep breath and leaned forward. "I'm a known enemy."

"You know me. You've known me for years, and my weaknesses and everything. _I_ know _you_. Hell, you scare the crap out of me. I know if I screw up with Temari, I've got to deal with her _and_ you, which is positively terrifying. I know if I don't screw it up, I've _still_ got to deal with you, which is terrifying."

I leaned back again, and saw Lee and Naruto staring at me, both with their mouths agape. I kept my attention on Gaara, though.

"Eventually Temari's going to get into a relationship with somebody, be it me or somebody else. And more than likely you're going to be opposed to it. So I figure you can either take a gamble, or, for now at least, stick with me."

"The 'known enemy'." Gaara said. If I was more familiar with his mannerisms, I would've said he sounded thoughtful.

Thoughtful was good. Thoughtful would mean my little speech worked.

"Are you out of you mind?" Naruto tried to hiss quietly at me, while the Suna brothers exchanged meaningful looks. " _That's_ your idea of a motivational speech?"

"Just be quiet." I snapped back. "I know what I'm doing."

"Are you sure?" Lee whispered on my other side. "Because if I had a sister you wanted to date, that would not have won me over." I had counted it as a blessing Lee had managed to keep silent up until now, instead of shouting about me and Temari's youthful romance together.

That _definitely_ wouldn't have won the Kazekage over.

In the few minutes it took for Naruto and Lee to attempt to deflate my confidence, Gaara finally seemed to have made a decision.

"I suppose you do have a point, albeit an...interesting one." he said. I had the feeling 'interesting' was a substitute for 'desperate', but at this point I really didn't care. "That being said, I still don't like you, and I'm not helping you. I'm just getting rid of this other person, because at the moment I dislike him more."

"So...truce?" I ventured, ignoring the dumbfounded looks from Naruto, Lee, and even Kankuro.

Gaara nodded. "For now, at least."

Stick _that_ in your pipe and smoke it, mystery guy.

\- Shikamaru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading this, I'd like to point out I don't dislike Gaara (the opposite, actually). However, I have to write characters as Shikamaru would see them, and at the moment he isn't feeling the love where Gaara is concerned (and from his position, who can blame him?).


	17. Kamatari & The Reluctant Truce

Dear Journal:

It would have been straight to business after that, if Naruto hadn't opened his big mouth.

"Come on, Gaara!" he proclaimed, ignoring my shut-the-hell-up- _right_ -now look. "You still can't go acting like that, after Shikamaru gave you that...that..." He tried to find a fitting word for our conversation, and gave up. "Come on, Shikamaru's a cool guy! Why don't you like him? Besides, you know, the dating your sister thing."

I was cringing internally while Lee face-palmed. Gaara just sighed.

"Do we really have to get into this now?" Kankuro grumbled.

"No, we really don't." I said quickly as I moved to pinch Naruto's leg under the table. He jumped up before I got to him and leveled his finger at Kankuro.

"I'm just saying, Shikamaru's okay! If I had a sister, I'd be okay if she dated him!" he cried. I had a hard time keeping a straight face at that, mostly because I was picturing a sexy-jutsu version of him. I must have not succeeded, because Lee saw my face and starting snickering.

From the flicker that came over Gaara's expression, he must have been picturing the same thing.

"Come on, Naruto. We said we'd work together. That doesn't mean we have to like him. Can't we just leave it at that?" Kankuro groaned.

Naruto crossed his arms stubbornly. "Name one thing you don't like about him, that has nothing to do to Temari."

"Just one?" Kankuro muttered. I grabbed Naruto's arm and yanked him down to my level. "What the hell are you doing?" I hissed into his ear. "It's fine, just drop it!"

Naruto shook his head and glared at me. "No, it's _not_ fine. Temari likes you, so that should be good enough for them. And why are you getting mad, I'm trying to help you!"

"He's lazy." said Gaara, ignoring the argument on our side of the table.

"Not _all_ of the time..." Lee said slowly. "At least, I don't think so..."

"He's always sighing or grumbling about something." Kankuro said after rolling his eyes at Lee.

"Uh..." Naruto started, putting his hand to his chin thoughtfully. "But he's really smart!"

"His head looks like a pineapple." Kankuro responded.

"Temari's head looks like a clover." Naruto countered.

"His face looks stupid."

"So does yours!"

At this point I started to tune out their bickering, focusing my attention on Gaara. He rolled his eyes at Kankuro, then gave me a curt nod.

"I assume this is the part where we share information?" he asked. He didn't raise his voice, so I had to strain to hear him over Naruto and Kankuro.

"Uh, right." I said, reaching under the table to pull out 'Exhibit A'; the stuffed animal Neji had the presence of mind to swipe from Temari's doorstep before she had seen it. I'd been calling it Kamatari, after her summoning animal.

"This is the only thing we have that we know he's touched." I said as I dumped it on the table in front of us. "Unfortunately, Kiba couldn't get a scent off of it, so it's been a dead-end."

"What is that supposed to be?" Kankuro asked suddenly, stopping mid-shout.

"A weasel."

"I don't remember it looking so...beat up, when Neji picked it up." Lee said as he looked at me curiously.

As part of me rehabilitation, I was supposed to be practicing weapon throwing on a daily basis. Since we couldn't get anything useful off of the thing, I'd decided to use it as a target.

I found it therapeutic.

"Not important." I said, not looking at Lee.

"It's missing an ear." Naruto commented. I ignored him.

"Then what is important?" Kankuro demanded. "Why show it to us at all if you can't track with it?"

"Because, it's the thing itself that's important." I said. I received several puzzled looks in response.

"It's a stuffed _weasel_." I repeated. "How many people in Konoha know about Kamatari? It's not common knowledge. Most of you guys didn't pay much attention to it until _I_ mentioned it, when Neji brought it to my place." I directed the last part to Naruto and Lee.

"It's not like she uses it all the time when she's here." Naruto huffed. "She could summon giant, fire-breathing rabbits, for all I know."

"So we can assume whoever bought it must have known something about her summons." I reasoned. "Unless, of course, they just picked it up because they liked it, and the animal was just a coincidence. In which case I'm making mountains out of molehills, but..."

"No, I think you're on to something." Gaara said, to my surprise. "People in Suna might know about him, but I don't see why too many people from other villages would. Temari doesn't use Kamatari often; when she does, it's in training or battle, and he's too fast to really distinguish _what_ he is."

Kankuro nodded quickly. "Yeah, if it weren't for his name I don't think most people in Suna would even know what he was. It's not like she takes him for walks around the village." he snorted.

"Then...maybe it's a Sand ninja!" cried Naruto excitedly.

Gaara frowned at him. "Not possible."

"Are you sure?" I pressed. "Not to get into your business, but did you maybe send someone with or to keep an eye on Temari when she came for...whatever mission you sent her here for?"

When Gaara and Kankuro glanced at each other quickly, I knew I had caught on to something.

Naruto and Lee caught on to it too, because they both leaned forward.

"Well?" Naruto demanded. "You know somebody?"

"No," Gaara sighed. "It's not that, it's just..." He frowned at the ground a moment, apparently trying to decide whether or not to tell us, before he continued. "I didn't actually send Temari on a mission here." he admitted.

"What do you mean?" I asked. I'd had an odd feeling about Temari's 'mission' all along, mostly because she'd been dodgy when I asked her about it. If she'd just been visiting or on a vacation, though, I couldn't think of why she'd lie.

"I mean, I didn't give her permission to come here. Or to leave Suna, for that matter." Gaara said, still not looking up.

We must have all had questioning looks on our faces, because Kankuro scowled at us before snapping "She just took off, okay?"

"What? Why?" I blurted out. Temari was always responsible, and took her ninja duties very seriously; she wouldn't just up and leave without a word or permission from her Kazekage for no reason, even if he was her little brother. It just didn't sound like Temari.

Gaara glared at me. "Because of you, actually." he said stiffly.

"Huh?" It was odd when Naruto of all people could sum up your thoughts so easily.

"After the little incident with...you," Kankuro started. "Temari got a little-" Gaara let out an angry huff- "Okay okay, _really_ angry about it. We all got into a big argument, and the next day she just...left. Took off and left us a note telling us where she was going, and saying she wasn't coming back until-how did she word it?" he asked Gaara.

"Until we stopped being 'Evil, overprotective, hypocritical dumbasses' was the exact wording, I think." Gaara answered. Now _that_ sounded like Temari.

"Right, that. She said until that and we apologized, she wasn't coming back, and that we'd know where to find her." Kankuro finished.

"I sent a messenger after her, but she wouldn't budge. So I made up some mission for her to use as an excuse for the elders, and sent word to the Hokage that she'd be staying here on said mission." Gaara said, now sounding more defeated than angry.

I groaned and smacked my hand to my forehead. "So I'm guessing the reason Kankuro came along when he did was..."

"To try to convince her to come back." Kankuro sighed, nodding.

I sighed as well. As informative as all of this was, I had decided it was time to get back to the point. "So, it can't really be a Sand ninja that's been doing all of this." I muttered.

Gaara shook his head warily. "No. No one would have had the opportunity. The only ones in Suna who know where exactly she is are me, Kankuro, Baki, the messenger I told you about, and the higher-ups and the elders I've been making excuses to. Unless you count the ninja I brought with me today, who didn't know until now."

"What about that messenger?" Lee suggested.

Kankuro waved his hand. "He's been off doing something else since. Besides, he's married with two kids, and Temari scares the crap out of him. And don't even go there, with Baki or the elders, okay?" he added, making a face.

I dearly hope it isn't Baki or the Suna elders. They might not be much as far as competition, but the thought itself is disturbing.

After the general consensus that we had "jack, with a side of squat', in Kankuro's words, the meeting was adjourned and everyone went their separate ways.

Which leaves me here, writing all of this down in the dead of night because visions of Baki trying to woe Temari are haunting my dreams.

I know it's not him, but still.

Ugh.

Restless and wary,

Shikamaru


	18. Shopping Spree

Dear journal:

Though I was hoping to get a short nap in to make up for my lack of sleep last night, there was a scheduled meeting of Team Shikamaru (despite my pleas, Kiba refuses to change the name, and it's starting to stick with the others as well) this afternoon.

By 'scheduled', I mean everybody knew but me, who remained in the dark until they showed up at my doorstep.

Of course, everyone was given a detailed account of the meeting with Gaara yesterday.

That is to say, it was detailed because Naruto handed them my journal when I got up to ask Mom a question, claiming that was easier than him having to explain it himself.

I suppose I can't fault his logic. And heaven knows how he interpreted everything yesterday.

Anyway, I'll just be thankful they didn't write in here again.

While we were all discussing our next course of action (okay, they discussed, I sipped my tea and tried hard to listen while not losing my ever-growing temper) on what we should do now that the Hellacious Assassin Brother was on our side (again, credit Kiba), Konohamaru's friend, the girl with the wild pigtails, came up with the practical plan of scouring the shops of Konoha to see where the stuffed animal was bought.

Since that was the only intelligent thing we'd heard that whole hour, everyone jumped on that and took off to go torment the poor clerks and shopkeepers of Konoha.

Well, everyone but Naruto, who stayed behind with me.

When I asked why, he just pointed out that although Gaara was unlikely to kill me now, he'd still promised Temari and Lady Tsunade he'd keep an eye on me, and until he got orders otherwise, I was stuck with him.

So I'm still not getting my nap.

Instead, I'm trying to teach Naruto how to play shogi, which he of course sucks at.

Bored and sleepy,

Shikamaru

* * *

_SHIKAMARU_

_you fell asleep while I was trying to figure out how to move my pieces_

_going to get something to eat from your kitchen_

_be back in a minute_

_and don't complain about me writing on this, it was the only piece of paper I could find_

_NARUTO_

* * *

Dear journal:

I guess I can't complain about him writing in this, since he kind of half-ass scribbled a note sideways, and I really don't think he read it.

Probably.

When I woke up and read the note, I walked into the kitchen to find Naruto chatting with my _Mom_ in the kitchen.

Talk about weird.

Apparently she'd gotten him a snack, and the two had held a conversation for the half-hour I'd been asleep. I have no idea what they could possibly be talking about, but I'm not going to ask.

I'm still going to kill Naruto, though. When we left the kitchen, I heard him tell Mom that she wasn't nearly as scary as Dad and I had made her out to be.

After that, I decided it was probably best if I got out of the house.

With any luck, Dad will get home before I do and the problem will sort itself out.

So now, Naruto and I are seeking out shops that sell or at one point sold weird stuffed animals. I didn't realize there were so many.

In one shop, Naruto knocked a display of stuffed bears over, so I got stuck buying one to keep the store manager happy.

People are very judgemental. Just because you see a young male ninja walking around with a big fuzzy teddy bear doesn't mean you should stop and gawk at him.

This is going to be a long day.

Shikamaru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a filler, sorry. ^_^'


	19. Neji & The Toy Mafia

Dear Journal:

Everyone met up again at my house last night, after yesterday's Great Weasel Hunt.

I don't feel so bad about the bear I ended up toting around, because I wasn't the only one.

Akamaru was chewing on some sort of squeaky stuffed toy Kiba had been forced to buy, Shino showed up sporting a giant stuffed rabbit he claimed was for his little cousin's birthday (I would have liked to see him walking around the village with that), while Tenten had a little stuffed piglet but wouldn't say why.

Neji, however, took the cake; he arrived with a glare that could kill and a sack to rival Santa Clause's, filled with all kinds of different little stuffed animals.

He explained (with a look that just dared any of us to crack a smile) that he ended up meeting a series of what he called 'toy mafia men', who refused to tell him anything about anything until he bribed them by buying an over-priced toy from their respective shops. Several shops and over two dozen toys later, he finally arrived at the establishment of a man who knew of the coveted weasel of which he was seeking. The man told Neji (after he bought something, of course) that he himself had put the stuffed animal in the prize machine outside of his establishment, and that he had no idea who had won the item, as of course it was no longer there.

With the exception of Tenten, we were all too shocked and intimidated by Neji's deadly stare to laugh.

If anyone else had told me this story, I wouldn't have believed them.

I don't know whether I should be more angry that this ended up being a dead-end, or with Neji, who's forcing me to pay him back for all the toys he bought after letting himself be duped by those scheming salesmen.

The kicker is that I could have found this out from Kankuro, who got the same idea we did and went searching yesterday and found out the same thing as Neji - only without buying every little stuffed critter the village toy mafia was selling.

Speaking of Kankuro (since he's the one who told me), I'd like to add that Temari received more flowers.

Gaara is spitting angry that this fiend would dare be so brazen while he was here. Also, this kind of blows our he's-scared-of-Gaara theory. Now we think he's just stupid.

Now I don't give a damn if this ass is sending flowers to my girlfriend, my mother, or Naruto; it's become a matter of principle.

Whether he's stupid, brazen, or whatever...he's going _down_.

\- Shikamaru


	20. Beware the Quiet Ones

Dear Journal:

I'm so angry, it's hard to find words right now.

After Kankuro dropped by with his news this morning, I left the house and ended up meeting with Temari, despite her promise to keep her distance from me while Gaara was in town. (A moot point, but then again she doesn't know that.)

I had been trying to figure out how I was going to bring up how she ditched her brothers in Suna to come here without her figuring out how I knew about it, when she brought up the flower delivery from this morning.

Kankuro and Gaara's cover story (go team!) was that they were from the two of them, to apologize for their recent behavior. She then jokingly told me that I was going to have to watch my back, otherwise someone else might steal her away.

I tried to ignore the little sting that came with those words, and retorted that I wasn't worried about having her dump me for one of her brothers. (Injured or no, I still got decked for that comment.)

She then smirked and said I shouldn't be so sure, that just this morning she got hit on by a guy.

"Who?!" I demanded.

She smirked. "Now that got your attention. Not jealous, are we?"

"No. I'm just curious." I said, trying to play it cool. Picturing her face in hindsight, I don't think it worked.

She snorted and waved her hand dismissively. "Relax, it was one of your friends. Sai, isn't it?"

"Sai?" I manged to choke out. " _Sai_ was hitting on you?"

"Yep. Horribly, too. It took me five minutes to figure out what he was doing. And when I started walking away, he _still_ didn't get the hint. I almost felt sorry for him."

I took me a moment to reply to her, because all that was going through my mind was _that rat bastard!_ I must have had a mortified look on my face, because she gave a little start, then quickly added "Oh come on, you're not _really_ jealous, are you? It was _Sai_. If you dropped dead tomorrow, he'd be one of my last choices to fall into the comforting arms of-Oh come on you know I'm joking!" she added hastily as I blinked at her.

I decided to hold off on any accusations or judgements until later, when I could wrap my head around the problem and think about it. After all, I didn't want another repeat of what happened to Naruto at Ichiraku.

We talked for maybe another half-hour or so, I'm not really sure. I don't even remember what we talked about, my mind was moving too fast to really pay attention.

And now I'm here, writing all of my thoughts out.

And I've been thinking about it.

So. Sai.

Sai, who's ninja-art can make little cartoon beasts-excellent for delivering things and getting by any surveillance, even that of a Hyuuga.

Sai, who was trained to have the stealth of an ANBU.

Sai, whom I've never seen at one of my friends' ridiculous pro-Shikamaru meetings, but who I know knows about the situation from what the others have told me.

Sai, who knows very little about romantic relationships, except for what he's read in books.

So. Means - check. Skills - check. Stupidity - double check.

To be fair, he might not have realized what a faux pas he was making, what with the guy's lack of common sense and social skills and all of that. The sheer stupidity of the whole secret-admirer idea is a prime example; Really, who _thinks_ of something like that? It sounds like something he would probably find in a book somewhere...I mean the dumbass probably thinks he's being _romantic._

In a pathetic kind of way, he probably didn't even realize he was doing anything wrong.

However, I've decided I don't care.

We're not good friends, but still. There's a line you simply don't cross, even if you are an emotionally stunted brainwashed soldier, and trying to snake a friend's girlfriend crosses it.

Which is why I sent word over to Gaara.

Maybe it was overkill, but...nah. If Sai wants to be Temari's suitor, he can get the full experience.

Like the deadly intent from her homicidal over-protective little brother.

Wow, I feel amazingly light right now...revenge-er, the truth-really does set you free.

\- Shikamaru


	21. The Big 'Oops'

Dear Journal:

I'm starting to see what Shino ment by poor judgement calls.

Not but an hour after I told Gaara about Sai, I ran into Naruto and Sakura while I was walking with Choji and filling him in on what had happened.

Well, I say I ran into them, when it was the two of them that literally ran into me, both looking sweaty and winded.

"Have...you...seen...Sai?" Naruto managed to gasp, bending forward with his hands on his knees. Sakura was bracing an arm on Choji, and seemed unable to form words yet.

"Nope. And that's probably a good thing." I muttered darkly to myself.

Naruto gave me a blank look. "What?"

"Uh, why are you guys looking for him?" Choji asked, looking from Sakura to Naruto and back.

"Because he told us he'd meet us an hour ago, but he never showed up and we can't find him!" Naruto snapped. "He said he figured out who was leaving Temari those gifts, and we just found out Gaara's MIA, too. Knowing Sai, he's gone and said or done something stupid and is getting himself castrated by Gaara right now. Have you seen either of them?"

Choji and I looked at each other, his face holding a slightly alarmed expression. "Uh, I did see Gaara," I said. "But wait, did you say Sai figured out who the admirer was?"

Sakura nodded quickly. "He said he saw something strange a few days ago, and it reminded him of something that happened while you were still in the hospital, but he had to go check it out first. He may be proficient in espionage, but you know how his people skills are." she said, shaking her head. "Like Naruto said, knowing him, he said or did something stupid to either Temari or her brothers and gave Gaara the wrong idea."

I don't know how long Tenten and Lee had been standing there, or if they just happened to be passing by or were looking for us. Either way, they chose that moment to make their presence known and join the conversation, and I wasn't the only one who seemed surprised to see them.

"Why would you assume the Kazekage is torturing Sai, just because you can't find him?" Tenten asked. "Maybe he's just, you know, taking some personal time or something. From what Temari says, he works a lot in Suna."

"But Sai-"

"Perhaps he is just late?" Lee suggested. "Or maybe he had something urgent he had to attend to?"

"Maybe we're overreacting after all, Sakura." said Naruto, who seemed to have calmed down now that he wasn't running. "They've got a point. Just because they're both missing doesn't mean anything. It's probably just a coincidence." He rubbed the back of his head and laughed a little. "I mean-Hey, what's with you?" he asked when he saw my face.

"Uh, well..." I began, feeling a little ill. "Yeah, I think they're together. And, uh, I think Sai's in trouble."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because I may have told Gaara that Sai was the guy we were looking for."

Everyone was silent for a moment.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" Naruto finally yelled.

"W-well, he was acting suspicious!" I snapped defensively.

"It's SAI! He ALWAYS acts suspicious!" Naruto shouted.

"But he's been hitting on Temari! And several of the signs pointed to him!" I protested. "Frankly, I still don't think it isn't him!"

"He was probably just trying to talk to her! And what signs?! GAH! I don't have time for this-!" he fumed, turning around and bolting. "Sakura, come on! We've gotta-"

"I know I know!" she cried, running after him. She got about halfway up the street before she called over her shoulder. "Hey, Lee! Can you-"

Lee took off without having to hear the rest, leaving me, Choji, and Tenten behind.

"Um, Shikamaru? Think we should help them?" Choji asked timidly.

I groaned and nodded.

"Why would you think it was Sai?" Tenten asked conversationally as Choji jogged off, presumably to get more help. "I always assumed the guy played for the other team, myself."

"It just fit, okay." I snapped, feeling tired again. "I still think it fits."

She shrugged. "If you say so. Think he really figured out who the guy was, though?"

She saw the look on my face and held her arms up. "Yeah, guess we'll have to ask him. You know, if they find him in time and he lives. But I really can't see _Sai_ figuring it out when the rest of us couldn't, you know? It would have had to be blindingly obvious for him to pick up on it, and if that's the case we would be able to-hey, are you listening?"

"Yeah, I'm listening." I said, snapping out of my thoughts. "Hey, can you go get Neji and see if he can help them find Sai?"

"Huh? Yeah, sure." she said, frowning. "Though at this point I think we're milking a dead cow. What are you going to do?"

I waved her off. "I need to do some thinking."

"You sure? You haven't been doing a very good job of it lately."

"Just go find Neji!" I snapped. She grinned and jumped up to the nearest roof top.

I then found the nearest bench and relayed all of this to my journal.

Which now leaves us to the present.

Reading it all over again, I feel worse than when it happened.

I really, really hope they find Sai.

And I really, _really_ need to stop jumping to conclusions.

Guilty as hell,

Shikamaru


	22. In A Dark Alley

Dear Journal:

Sai's alive and (though I find the phrase subjective) well.

Don't worry, Gaara never got ahold of him.

As it all worked out, Kakashi and Yamato had become a little worried earlier in the day when Gaara had very suspiciously (and I'm told quite murderously) asked them if they knew where Sai was.

They then (accurately) assumed Sai's life depended on them finding him and keeping him out of Gaara's sights for a bit, and located him in about three minutes flat.

And when you have two ANBU-level ninja of Kakashi and Yamato's caliber looking out for you, even someone like Gaara has a little trouble finding you.

Where the hell they were when it was MY ass on the line, I don't know.

Um, right. Anyway, I became aware of all of this when I walked past an alley and someone cleared their throat to catch my attention - that someone being Kakashi, who was casually leaning against the alley wall reading his favorite- er, book.

Once he made sure I was paying attention, he stood up straight and beckoned me towards the back of the alley, never taking his eyes - well, eye - away from his novel as he started walking with me.

When we got to the end of the alley I was greeted with the sight of Yamato and Sai.

The little knot of guilt in my stomach eased some when I saw that Sai looked relatively healthy.

That is to say, he looked like he normally did, as opposed to a bloody pulp - I'm still not sure you'd call his pallor healthy.

They all gave me the full explanation of how they came to be there after I demanded to know where the hell Sai had been.

When they were through, Sai frowned and added, "Though I still don't know why the Kazekage is so angry with me. Why would he think I was the one after his sister?"

I felt rather than saw Kakashi's glare at my back.

"Uh, who knows," I said quickly, swallowing my guilt again. I would tell him later, honest. Right now I needed answers, dammit. "But more importantly, Naruto and Sakura said you knew who the admirer was...?"

"Well...it was more of a hunch than anything else." Sai said hesitantly. I gritted my teeth and bit back my frustration.

If this was another dead-end, I WAS going to kill someone.

Possibly Sai.

"Then _why_ didn't you come tell us, instead of running off and flirting with Temari?" I asked, keeping my voice even. Well, attempting to. Yamato's face said I didn't succeed.

Sai gave me a _look_. "Because I wanted to actually accomplish something, which the rest of our little group would not have done. Also, I didn't see any reason to bring some false information to you without anything to back it up." He frowned a little before he looking at me hesitantly and adding "And I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was...flirting. I wasn't, was I?" He looked around us imploringly, specifically to Kakashi and Yamato.

Kakashi shrugged a shoulder and muttered "Doubt it," at the same time Yamato said "You probably don't know how."

I grimaced and waved my hand dismissively. "Never mind, that doesn't matter now. What was that hunch you were talking about?"

Instead of answering me, Sai just continued staring at me with a rather distressed expression. I snuck a peek at the other two, but neither of them looked remotely interested. Kakashi had taken to leaning against the wall to read his book again, and Yamato...looked like he was sleeping with his eyes open, honestly.

"Please," I added, exasperated. "Before Gaara finds you holed up in this dark alley and kills us all on principle?"

Sai nodded hastily, and I saw Yamato twitch.

"Well...it's just that, the more I thought about it, the more I thought that this was less about impressing Temari and more about breaking you two up." Sai said, looking at me expectantly. I took that to mean he wanted me to say something before he continued, so I sighed and nodded.

"I guess that's one way to look at it."

He shook his head slowly, frowning. "No, I think that _is_ the way to look at it. " he said earnestly.

Now it was my turn to frown. "What do you mean?"

"I mean what I said, " he replied, sounding pleased with himself. "That this...admirer isn't an admirer, so much as a saboteur."

"A...saboteur?" I asked hesitantly.

He nodded enthusiastically, then faltered some when he saw I wasn't following along with his line of logic.

"I mean...well, the goal is to break you two up. And why would someone want that?" he asked pointedly.

I did follow that logic, and started to work it out.

"Depends on the person. If it had been Temari's brothers, it would be because they don't like me. But if this guy likes Temari, it would be so he would have a better chance with her." I said, thinking out loud more than anything else.

Sai shook his head again. "There's another angle you're missing."

I squinted at him, still thinking about it. "Sooo..."

"I already said it, didn't I? That you aren't dealing with an admirer. Not for Temari, anyway." he said carefully.

Even after that, it still didn't occur to me, not until he continued and said why he came to the conclusion himself.

"I thought of it after I saw the last flower arrangement, while I was giving a message to the Kazekage from Lady Tsunade yesterday." he said. "It looked similar to one you had gotten when you were in the hospital. I mean, before Tsunade banned them after the cactus incident." he added quickly.

I grimaced at the memory, but dismissed it in favor of trying to work out what Sai was saying.

"So?" I said. "It's not that uncommon. Ino's shop has a whole display of nearly identical arrangements by the window."

"Well, it wasn't the flowers themselves that were important so much as the idea they gave me." Sai amended.

When I still didn't say anything, he continued. "I don't think you're seeing it because it's you."

"It's me _what_?" I ground out, frustrated.

"It's you. Whoever is doing this wants _your_ attention, not Temari's." Sai said simply.

I scowled. "What are you-"

And then it hit me what exactly he was saying.

And I felt really, really stupid.

I'd been looking at this with tunnel vision, just focusing on the Temari-has-an-admirer aspect of it, rather than thinking about the bigger picture.

Stupid stupid _stupid_.

"Oh, hell," I fumed, smacking my hand to my forehead. " _How_ did I not see that before?!"

"Don't feel bad. Nobody else thought of it, either." Sai said politely.

I ignored him in favor of mentally chastising myself.

Whoever this 'admirer' was, they weren't doing this because they liked Temari. They were doing this because they wanted to see my reaction. Because...

"But who the hell would like me?" I asked, exasperated. I ignored the snickering I got from Yamato and Kakashi.

Sai gave me that odd smile of his in response. "You're a lot like Naruto, in that sense. Make all that big fuss about women, but can't see something when it's right in front of you."

" _Now_ what are you talking about?" I snapped, scowling. "I am _not_ like Naruto."

"Sure you are," Sai said, looking far too smug for my liking. "Even _I_ could see Hinata's crush on Naruto right away, and Sakura told me he was oblivious for years. Shiho has been mooning after you like a puppy for as long as I've known her - and by the look on your face, that's news to you."

Shiho? _Seriously?_ Come to think of it, maybe there was a reason she and Temari are always so cool towards each other the few times they were together...I just thought they didn't like each other.

Mentally shaking myself, I derailed that train of thought to make room for a more pressing one.

"So the admirer- or saboteur, or _whatever_ the hell we want to call him - he, _she's_ a girl?" I spluttered.

"Possibly. Unless I'm reading into this wrong, or it's that other chunin that works in the cypher corps. He's been making eyes at you, but I don't think he's the type."

I wasn't touching that one with a ten-foot pole.

"Well, who do _you_ think it is?" I asked warily. Though I was still talking to Sai, I aimed the question at the other two as well.

"I...don't want to make any premature suggestions." Sai said nervously. Ahem. Yeah, I'd tell him about ratting him out to Gaara tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. Or something.

"Someone smarter than you." Kakashi said with barely contained amusement. "Though for what it's worth, I don't think it's the cypher corps chunin either. He silently flirts with all the boys your age that walk in. You should see the looks he gives Neji and Naruto." I eyed him for minute, then turned to Yamato.

"Leave me out of it." he grunted, crossing his arms.

I scowled at him. "You don't even have a theory?"

He narrowed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. "Yes. That this is a lot of dramatic teenaged romance crap, and I get enough with _this_ lot" - he motioned with one arm to Sai and Kakashi, though it was obvious he meant the team in general - "And I just don't care." he said, shrugging.

I blinked, then turned to stare blankly at Kakashi, who still looked amused. "Don't take it personally. He's just jealous that he's never been that popular."

Yamato spluttered something and pointed a finger at Kakashi, but I tuned them out.

"Whoever he or she is, they aren't _necessarily_ cleverer than you," Sai said, misinterpreting my annoyance. "It seems to me like it was more about getting a rise out of you than outsmarting you."

And with that, something clicked. In fact, several things clicked.

"Oh you've gotta be _kidding_ me," I muttered to myself.

Sai looked confused again. "Beg pardon?" he asked politely.

I stowed my features into the best bland look I could manage. "No, nothing. Uh, I've got some place I need to be." I said, turning and walking out of the alley.

Sai frowned. "Wait, Shikamaru? Where are you going?"

I looked at him over my shoulder, but didn't stop walking. "To talk to somebody."

"But-" His puzzlement turned to comprehension as he took in my tone. "You think you know who it is, don't you?"

I didn't answer, too lost in my thoughts to pay much attention to him.

"Do _try_ to make sure you get it right before you go to the Kazekage this time, won't you?" Yamato called up to me in irritation.

I sped up to get out the alley after that, though not before I heard Sai ask. "What do mean, before he goes to the Kazekage this time?"

Suspiciously yours,

Shikamaru


	23. You've Been Caught!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Admirer. X)  
> (Don't kill me)

Dear Journal:

I've got about a million things going through my head, but for now I'm just going to go through what happened.

It was little over an hour after my chat in the alley with Sai and company when Temari finally came back to the place she'd been staying - and found me leaning against the door waiting for her.

After being chastised for the stupidity of waiting around where one or both of her brothers could easily see/maim/kill me, I assured her that it was (mostly) no longer an issue, and she eventually invited me in.

Once we were both inside and seated, I wasted no time getting straight to the point of why I was there.

"So...tulips." I said lamely, fully aware that there were far more articulate things I could have said. I had practiced how I wanted to do this while I had been waiting for her to get there, and I'd already decided to go with the bare minimum. I was less likely to choke that way.

She raised her eyebrows at me. "What about them?" she said, sounding only a little bit worried for my sanity.

"I don't ever recall you telling me they were your favorite flower." I said.

She looked mildly surprised. "No...I don't either." she said slowly. "And...?"

"And you didn't think it was a little...odd? That I gave you tulips when you'd never mentioned you liked them to me before?"

Her mouth quirked a little at that. "To be honest, I thought it was a lucky guess. Or that maybe you'd seen me admiring some at Ino's shop. But why are you suddenly bringing this up now?" she added, frowning. "You didn't wait around here just to ask me about some flowers, did you?"

"Erm...no, no I didn't." I said, trying not to sound too suspicious. I sighed then, and decided to just get this over with. "I guess you've probably figured it out, but those tulips weren't really from me." I admitted.

As expected, she didn't look the least bit surprised. "Oh? Who then?"

"...Naruto, but only because somebody else asked him." I wasn't going to mention Kankuro, because she'd probably figure that out on her own, too.

"Ha! I'd been wondering..." she said with a grin, which quickly turned to a frown when she saw my smug look. Or at least, I think it was smug. I felt smug, anyway.

"You haven't been wondering about the other flowers and stuff, though." I mused, leaning back lazily. "How come?"

"What do you mean?" she asked carefully, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at me. "Are you talking about the stuff you've been giving me?"

"What makes you think I've been giving you the other stuff if I'm not the one who gave you those tulips?"

Temari visibly bristled, and it was all I could do not to laugh. "Because you were standing right there when I picked up that first bouquet you gave me, and you said they were from you, that's why."

"Technically, I didn't say that. I just agreed with you when you assumed they were from me." I replied mildly.

Her brows knitted together in confusion as she considered me carefully. "Sorry, but I don't think I'm following."

I glared, not bothering to hide my annoyance anymore. "You sure?"

Now she looked completely nonplussed. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Not really," I grumbled, making sure she saw just how irritated I was. "I just found out my girlfriend has been playing a very elaborate prank on me, and though I have several theories as to why, the largest one appears to be just to see how I'd react."

Silence.

"Damn," she said finally, grinning like the freaking cat that ate the canary. "What gave me away?"

I scowled at her. "Nothing, really. Sai sort-of figured it out for me."

She wrinkled her nose in a way that let me know she was a little insulted. " _Sai_?"

"He said it would have to be someone as clever or cleverer than me, who also wanted to get a rise out of me. The only people I know who fit under both categories are you and my dad, and he's too lazy to go to this much trouble for a prank." I elaborated.

I saw the comprehension dawn on her face. "Oh."

That ticked me off more than anything else. "' _Oh_ '? That's all you have to say? 'Oh'?" I said hotly.

She took one look at me, and then just started laughing. Hard.

"It isn't funny!" I protested, torn between insulted and alarmed with her reaction.

"Yes it is," she gasped, clutching her stomach and trying to force herself to stop laughing for a minute. She didn't succeed.

I positively glared now, definitely coming down more on the insulted side. "Do you have _any_ idea how much trouble you've put me through?!" I cried before crossing my arms. " _Why_ would you do that?"

My anger dimmed her mirth a little, though that didn't stop her from grinning up at me, eyes streaming. "I just did it to see how you would react. How was I to know you would set up a whole freaking _task force_?" she managed to choke out before dissolving into giggles again.

I scowled. "It was not a task force, and it wasn't really my doing. It was Kiba's." I grumbled loudly so she could hear me over her giggles.

"You had _Shino Aburame_ and _Neji Hyuga_ posted outside my door!" she snickered, winding down a little.

I might have been blushing, but it could have been an angry flush. "Technically, that was Ino's suggestion." I mumbled. She grinned wider at me.

"The 'secret' meetings all over the village?" she supplied.

"I hate Kiba," I muttered instead of acknowledging her. At the time, I meant it, too. Freaking over-dramatic friends and their stupid ideas. "I hate all of them. This is their fault for winding me up to begin with."

Temari started laughing again as she stood up and then sat down next to me. She reached over and patted the hand that I didn't have over my eyes in a (vain) attempt to hide some of my embarrassment.

"You have good friends, Shikamaru." she said lightly, another little snigger escaping.

"If you say so," I grumbled. Then I turned and faced her fully. "So are you going to tell me what possessed you to go to such lengths to amuse yourself at my expense?"

She had the decency to look apologetic, then. "That...wasn't my original intention."

"And what was?" I asked stoically, resisting the sarcasm that was threatening to creep in.

She pursed her lips, then stood up hastily. "I'm going to get us some tea," she said mildly over her shoulder as she walked off.

And that's it. I am now waiting for her to come back so I can get a proper explanation for this whole ridiculous affair.

It had better be a good one.

\- A very put-upon boyfriend


	24. The Fallout of a Clever Girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a few days! I had a hectic weekend, and then I got sick and couldn't log on. :/
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's left kudos, I really appreciate it! :)

Dear Journal:

If I live to be a hundred, I'll never understand women. Friggin' enigmas wrapped in mysteries disguised as soft humans that smell nice, that's what they are.

I suppose I should elaborate.

When Temari came back and sat down beside me again, I gave her a look that I hoped would relay just how annoyed and displeased I was while simultaneously conveying a certain amount menace and disappointment with her actions.

She wasn't impressed. In fact, she rolled her eyes.

I'd forgotten that she spent her formidable years living under the same roof as Gaara, back when he wasn't nearly as cuddly as he is now. Any look I gave her paled in comparison. She could probably stare down a basilisk without flinching.

I then decided to get my point across with words, since facial expressions weren't working. "Well?" There. That'll teach her.

She rolled her eyes again. "I'm sorry?" she suggested with what I thought was an inappropriate amount of skepticism.

I stared at her disbelievingly. "Seriously? I went through all that, and that's all I get? A half-hearted sorry?"

She looked almost as insulted as I felt. "It was not half-hearted," she sniffed primly.

"No, it was more half-assed, but I was being gentlemanly." My mother would be proud.

She swatted my arm, but I could tell from her eyes she was amused and not annoyed. I smirked back at her, and some of the tension went away.

"And I was actually asking about why you did it to begin with, which you were telling me about before your mysterious and well-timed craving for tea." I said pointedly.

She quirked an eyebrow, then rubbed a finger under her nose in what would have been a sheepish gesture on anyone else. "I suppose I deserved that," she conceded.

"Yup," I said pleasantly.

She looked exasperated, but didn't challenge it. Instead, she sighed and gave me an almost pained expression. "Alright, alright. Fine. I really doubt telling you is going to make you see it the same way, but..."

I raised my eyebrows as she trailed off and made a 'go on' motion with my hand. She cringed.

"I was trying to make you jealous."

I let my mouth drop open. "You-"

"At first," she added quickly, cutting me off. "Since you really didn't seem to care after the first time-"

"I did too care!" I protested, loudly. "I-"

"Yes, but only after your friends wound you up." Temari pointed out. "Then you just started acting like an imbecile."

Well, that was one way of putting it.

Though I maintain I acted as any sane person would after prolonged exposure to the overzealous nut-cases that were my friends.

I opened my mouth to tell her so when she held a hand up, silencing me. "And like I was _saying_ ," she continued as though I hadn't tried to interrupt. "That was only at first. Once I saw it really _did_ bother you, I was going to stop, I swear, but then..."

Her mouth twitched as she looked at me, and I realized she was trying not to smile. I scowled, and she laughed. "I'm sorry! It was just funny! Once your friends got involved, one thing just kept leading to another, and the whole thing just...got away from me." She grinned, and I got the feeling she was just barely fighting back a repeat of her hysterical laughing fit from earlier.

"Plus I had some money on that wager going on with the Leaf Jonin, and the longer it went on the more I was likely to make." She grinned wider after she said it, so I couldn't tell if she was joking or not. I certainly wouldn't put it past her.

"And _then_ my brothers showed up, and, one way or another, you actually got them to sit down and have _peace talks_ with you - yes, I knew about that, I'm not stupid." I winced while she gave me a look that was somehow amused and smug at the same time. "And I'm not complaining. If you got Gaara to call a truce over this, than I don't think it was such a bad idea, do you?"

I had to agree with her there, but that was about the only thing I could agree on.

"Still," I griped, hooking my hands behind my head. "All this just to make me jealous..."

She grimaced. "Look, you have to understand...you're...well, you."

When I blinked at her in confusion, she rolled her eyes and elaborated. "You're the most unromantic fool I've ever met. Always lethargic and lazy, never get worked up over anything."

That offended me a little, though honestly there was nothing I could really say to it, because that's just how I _am_.

"Would you rather I started shouting my affections for you out loud for all to hear, like Lee would?" I suggested grumpily.

I was a little pleased to see she looked almost mortified.

"Hell no," she said, before hastily adding "That's part of what I like about you. You're rational and calm and not a complete idiot. No, don't ever change."

I frowned at her. She sighed. "I wasn't saying you're not affectionate or anything, just that it was nice getting such a strong reaction out of you." she said, giving me a sideways glance and patting her leg.

"And you thought it was hilarious." I added, taking her wordless offer and laying my head down on her lap.

"And it _was_ hilarious." she concurred, grinning and petting my head.

I tried to look affronted, but I didn't have it in me. Instead I said "I should probably give you your weasel back."

"My what?" she asked, puzzled.

It took a good five minutes for her to stop laughing once I pulled Kamatari out of my pocket and handed it to her, and that was only after I started sulking again.

"I am so not telling Kiba or the others about this," I grumbled, settling back down again. "I'll never hear the end of it."

Temari smirked. "I'll tell Naruto you arm-wrestled an amorous three-hundred pound butcher for me." she assured me.

We sat there like that for about half an hour, before Gaara came back and I was forced to bid a hasty retreat out the bathroom window.

Just because he's not actively trying to kill me at the moment, doesn't mean I'm going to take any chances.

A very cautious

Shikamaru


	25. A Very Scary Mother

Dear Journal:

It's been a week since my talk with Temari, and since taking care of the stupid 'admirer' fiasco at last, I've finally been able to settle down to some semblance of normalcy.

Well, normal for me, anyway.

It took a little while to convince the others to back off and leave well enough alone, but of course they didn't.

I even had to find new and inventive places to hide my journal so they wouldn't read it and find out. So far it's worked for everyone but my Dad (whom I found laughing his ass off reading it yesterday).

Eventually, Temari really _did_ tell Naruto and Kiba some story about a butcher that liked her, which led to a very... _interesting_ confrontation in the market district in town.

There was a formal apology, and I think Lady Tsunade has had at least half of my friends (and Kankuro) working 'community service' down at the poor man's shop.

I'm told Gaara found the thought of a butcher attempting to court his sister laughable and left the guy alone, and simply assumes the 'real' admirer gave up on account of being terrified of him. Temari finds this hilarious.

I think Sai's probably the only one who worked it out for himself, but he hasn't said anything yet, and neither has Kakashi or Yamato (the latter probably at the former's bequest, but whatever). He also hasn't seemed too angry with me sicking Gaara on him, but then again he never actually saw the guy in his murderous mood, so that might be a contributing factor.

Dad grumbled about losing money on that stupid bet between the jonin and chunin, but I say it serves him right for betting against me.

Ah, right, but back to the reason I was writing to begin with.

Temari met me this afternoon to tell me that her brothers were going to be going back to Suna, and that she would be accompanying them.

In all that had been happening over the last week, I'd kind-of forgotten what Gaara and Kankuro had said about her leaving them and storming off here in what I now perceive was likely emotional blackmail on her part. There wasn't likely going to be a better time to bring it up, so I went ahead and mentioned it.

At first she was annoyed, but when I pointed out how gracious I was being about her ploy with the admirer, she caved.

I wasn't surprised to hear that she was indeed trying to prove a point. I was surprised to hear that the point wasn't only to her brothers, but to Mom.

Because Temari, the frightening kunochi of Suna, is terrified of my mother. That's right. _My_ mother.

Apparently, Mom doesn't like her, and let the fact be known (in what Temari tells me was very serious and fear-inducing language) when Temari visited me in the hospital before.

It seems Mom blames her for what happened. Not that she's really wrong, but still.

How troublesome.

I'm going to have to talk to her now. NOT a conversation I'm looking forward to.

Still, I found it kind of funny. Of course Temari doesn't, but what can I say?

If I have to stay on my toes with her crazy over-protective brothers, then she can handle my angry over-protective mother.

Besides - and this is the most cheerful thought of all - it turns out Mom also met up with the Kazekage during his trip here.

She makes Gaara nervous.

I think I finally found my ace in the hole.

Happily yours,

Shikamaru

* * *

_Dear Shikamaru,_

_Mama's boy._

_\- Your father_


	26. Never Again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *chuckle* This was my favorite chapter to write, possibly because I never intended to write it. It just sort of happened as I was finishing chapter 25, and when the muses strike who am I to deny them?  
> I'll let you know upfront, it's basically a whole lot of silliness....

_dear shikamaru_

_whattaya mean, temari was the admirer?!_

_why didn't you tell us?!_

_\- naruto_

* * *

**_Dear Shikamaru:_ **

**_You could have told me, I wouldn't have said anything to anyone!_ **

**_Your best friend,_ **

**_Choji_ **

* * *

Jerk, you could have told us BEFORE we went medieval on that stupid butcher. 

And I'm with Temari on this one, it WAS funny. :)

~Tenten~ 

* * *

**That was anticlimactic.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

_Dear Shikamaru,_

_What the hell do you mean, it was your girlfriend?!_

_I spent a whole WEEK doing community service and smelling dead animals at that meat place, and you couldn't have dropped a line?_

_That's the last time I try to help you out in a pinch!_

_Your 'supposed' friend,_

_Kiba_

* * *

**How absurd!**

**And you better not be lumping me in with the rest of these idiots when you mention your insane 'friends'!**

**Neji**

* * *

_DEAR SHIKAMARU_

_YOSH, WOMEN ARE QUITE DIFFICULT!_

_I'M SORRY ABOUT YOU AND TEMARI!_

_YOUTHFULLY YOURS,_

_ROCK LEE_

* * *

They're still together, Lee. 

~Tenten~ 

* * *

_OH. SORRY AGAIN._

_STILL YOUTHFULLY YOURS,_

_ROCK LEE_

* * *

_Um, sorry Shikamaru. At least it all turned out for the best, right?_

_~Hinata Hyuga_

* * *

_**~Dear Shikamaru~** _

_**You're a dead man when I get ahold of you~!  ♥**_

_**~Ino** _

* * *

_Dear Shikamaru,_

_I mean, you've got a lot of NERVE talking smack about us when all we were trying to do was help you! And it wouldn't have killed you to simply TELL us that your back-stabbing manipulative girlfriend was the one that tricked us!_

_Someone who was TRYING to help,_

_Kiba_

* * *

What am I even doing?

\- Sakura

* * *

**Committing sacrilege on Shikamaru's journal.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

Why?

\- Sakura

* * *

_**~Because we're mad at him** _

_**~Ino** _

* * *

Okay...?

\- Sakura

* * *

**Just go with it.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

People just keep writing in this and giving it back to me, how did you guys even get ahold of it?

\- Sakura

* * *

**Naruto found it and decided to share with the group.**

**Neji**

* * *

_dear shikamaru_

_he's lying_

_also, your underwear drawer is a really stupid hiding place_

_-naruto_

* * *

**I sincerely hope you aren't serious, Naruto.**

**Neji**

* * *

_Dear Shikamaru,_

_And FURTHER MORE, why wouldn't you want to tell us to begin with? Because you were embarrassed your girlfriend was smarter than you? Like that's NEWS?!_

_Still pissed off,_

_Kiba_

* * *

Where IS Shikamaru, anyway? We've been passing this around for a while, and usually he's gotten his panties in a wad by now. 

~Tenten~ 

* * *

_**Dear Everyone:** _

_**He was finally cleared for missions last week, and he's been out on one ever since.** _

_**Your friend,** _

_**Choji** _

* * *

Oh. That explains it. 

So when does he get back? This is kind of boring if he's not here to react to it. 

~Tenten~ 

* * *

_**~It should be sometime in the next few days, Tenten.** _

_**~Seriously, Naruto?** _

_**His underwear drawer?** _

_**~Ino** _

* * *

_i was trying to catch him before he left, and his parents invited me in!_

_-naruto_

* * *

 ☺

~Sai

* * *

Go away, Sai.

\- Sakura

* * *

:(

~Sai

* * *

**I am not weirder than him.**

**\- Shino**

* * *

Sorry, he thought he was signing a get-well card.

\- Sakura

* * *

_Dear Shikamaru,_

_MEAT! I'm STILL smelling freaking MEAT! EVERYWHERE! And all because I thought I was doing you a stupid favor!_

_Wishing you and your girlfriend endless suffering,_

_Kiba_

* * *

**You still owe me for those toys!**

**Neji**

* * *

_dear shikamaru_

_oh and i already knew about your mom not liking temari, she told me in the kitchen that day i spent with you after you fell asleep and i wanted a snack_

_-naruto_

* * *

Heads up guys, he just got back! 

~Tenten~ 

* * *

_Dear Shikamaru,_

_I'm not speaking to you until you apologize, jackass. My dog even smells like liver._

_Screw you,_

_Kiba_

_P.S. Your girlfriend is a sadist._

* * *

Dear Journal:

I'm never writing in this again.

Your now friendless author,

Shikamaru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who left kudos here! ^_^ Glad you liked the story, and I hope you enjoyed it all the way through. :)


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